"White Darkness"
This excerpt is from Vicious Bliss: fallen which is part of the Vicious Bliss series. The ebook is available for purchase. Print copies are tentatively scheduled for early 2011.It's a vivacious mask I am forced to wear.
Only the stench of sin keeps me from shattering it.
"My name is Mikhail DeMontier. What's yours?" ... "You're not alone. You'll never be alone again." ... "I want to show you who I am." ... "I love you." ... "Will you belong to me forever?" ... "I don't want to hurt you." ... "I can't be with you anymore." ... "You're beneath me." ... "I WILL NOT GIVE UP WHO I AM FOR YOU!" ... "Good-bye." ... "Katherine? Are you there? If you are please pick up the phone." ... "What is wrong with me?" ... "I don't exist. I don't exist. I don't exist. So you can't either." ... "Oh my God! What have I done?" ... "This is my fault! I didn't mean to---I swear." ... "I'm sorry, Ms. Merror, but there were complications and I'm afraid he didn't make it..."
Katherine curled into a tight ball, vainly seeking protection from herself. The past was a private battle Katherine waged daily. It tormented her, sickened her, and made a disgusting caricature of who she used to be. What have I let myself become? Beneath the dubious protection of a white cotton sheet, she took a visceral look at the possible answers. Katherine knew she was alive, yet somehow not. Especially because the frivolous facade she presented consisted only of empty laughter, frenetic gaiety, and vicious bliss. Strip away the rotting, fluffy layers and what was left? Not much. Breathing came naturally, hunger dictated the transaction of food, and sleep crept in like a thief, but Katherine's existence was purely technical. Sometimes I get so tired of it all. Even so, what right do I have to complain? As she lay alone beneath a colorless canopy of acrid memories and faded hopes, Katherine held a weary sort of acceptance. Perhaps she could have tried a little harder---or maybe felt a little less. If I'd been stronger, things could've been so different. Maybe I wouldn't have ended up alone... Katherine saw everything clearly. She saw how much of her life had been wasted. Pompously holding the world up to her self-destructive code of behavior, Katherine had mocked, judged, pitied, and hated it for not being what she believed it should be. "Stupid, stupid, stupid." But it didn't end there. Her reckless foolishness had extended further. Employed as she was, Katherine purposely made herself a mark for anything with a predilection for pain. Not sometimes. Always.
Gentle brown eyes looked into hers. The sad brow spoke eloquently long before the kind voice did. "Why do you live like this?" She threw back a shot, the dark liquor burning like liquid fire. "Because I fucking can! Do you think he's the first to try and break my jaw?" "There have been others?" "There are ALWAYS others, sweetie." Her lips compressed into a wretched line. "Now unless you want to play get out of my face."
Falsely giving herself to the anonymous night, taking in all the empty decadence she could stomach, Katherine had become a thing without recognition. Dump all the other bullshit and what the fuck am I? A piece of garbage? A broken doll? What? Katherine began to strip away the layers of disillusionment, denial, and pain with feverish scrutiny. She was tired of running from her past and living a bitter lie. I wasn't always like this. If I keep it up I'll die like this. Forgotten. Damaged. Nothing. Katherine sat up and tore down the temporary cocoon. "No more!" The scream reverberated, threatening to defy any who sought to keep her down. Chest heaving, fists clenched, Katherine leaned forward. A split-second later, she flopped back weakly. She had held herself in contempt for so long, while hiding it all behind a sham smile so well...how could Katherine change now? Stupid, you're already damned. Why bother trying to be anything else? Katherine rolled to her side again. The cotton sheets slithered softly against her muted movements. She clasped small hands against a shadowed heart and waited for the despair to claim her. I hate myself so much. The pure whiteness of the morning dimmed, as though a heavy cloud of sadness had wrapped tiny gossamer wisps of grief around it. She burrowed deeply into the tiny bed and half-heartedly tried to banish the cold away along with her melancholy. Try too little, try too hard----it all ends the same. A spurt of self-righteous fury flared within Katherine, decimating all thoughts of weary acceptance. Screw that! I've got reasons for what I do and I know eventually the pain will finish me. I'll wake up one day and it'll be FUCKING over. The woman who wore her isolation like a prized jewel dug in with newly sharpened claws, effectively tearing all recent resolutions aside. Perfecting what she always did, Katherine chose to bury her gloomy thoughts deep within until they barely existed. I'm too tired to be so philosophical. Maybe I should just go back to sleep. I'm sure whoever owns this bed won't care. Suddenly, somewhere in the white morning, she heard indistinct voices, their words low and muffled. A brief note of urgency assaulted Katherine's ears before hushing into a hum. Curiosity toyed momentarily with the sounds before abandoning them. She didn't know where they came from, nor did she care. They could belong to anybody, everybody, or nobody. Katherine only wanted her sleep. She yearned to fall into the unrelenting blackness of her solitary dreams. Even loneliness was better than facing the unforgiving whiteness of this bizarre reality. Just go to sleep. You'll be able to deal with this better afterwards. She lifted her disheveled head and again caught the sound of electronic noises beeping in her ear. For a fleeting moment the rhythmic thuds ensnared her reluctant attention, making Katherine wonder what they were. She brought her head back down onto the hard, flat pillow, and winced in pain. No, not beeps. She decided it casually while rubbing her temples. The noise resembled something, maybe nothing at all, but in the end Katherine determined it to be nature. Birds. Birds outside in a dazzling, white world were responsible for that annoying, rhythmic din. Their music beckoned her to greet a new beginning, but she wasn't ready. Not just yet. It's better to stay here, wherever here is. The peculiar thought echoed in her mind. It was odd, but Katherine couldn't quite remember how she ended up in the present room. I haven't worked for the past few nights, so that rules out a casual screw. Her brow wrinkled. She thought in earnest about the last day. She'd been getting ready for a last-minute road trip. Rushing about, making sure her roommate Patricia would mail off a letter for her, packing up ten days worth of sweaters for a three day jaunt, and looking all over for her hair dryer. The little details were so fresh in her mind, so sharp and clear, and yet... Did I ever make it out the door? Katherine breathed deeply and rebuked herself for the ridiculous question. Of course she had left. She now recalled how the roads had been icier than usual. Ice, ice, ice. Oh! She suddenly remembered her near-accident. It had shaved at least decade off her life. Besides, this obviously isn't your bed. It was true. How else could Katherine have gotten here, slept here in THIS bed, if she had never left? I miss my bed, she mused wistfully with an adolescent homesickness, one absurdly misplaced given the circumstances. This one is uncomfortable and the sheets don't smell nice. Admittedly, Katherine liked to keep things simple, whether it was clothing, decor, or interactions. Her sleeping quarters however were another matter entirely. Lying there, the unfavorable comparisons between her bed and this one were inevitable. A rock-hard pillow, threadlike sheet, and itchy blanket just couldn't hold up against a richly embroidered comforter, Egyptian cotton, and numerous overstuffed feather pillows. A surge of longing overtook Katherine. Once more she pulled the sheet over her rumpled head. She was lost in this white bed. A moment ago it seemed so tiny and misplaced to her body, but now she felt hopelessly enveloped and tragically hidden in some great white darkness. What if I never go back? I mean there's really nothing there for me. What if I just disappear? Katherine reluctantly dismissed the insane thought, but her bright eyes darkened with pensive regret. No matter what her life had been before, it was better than not having one. A half-life, even one as shitty as hers, was better than just fading away into nothing...wasn't it? The question slid about the coils of her mind, filling her growing imagination with what her future could be. Seduction. Violence. Death. How long can I keep this up? Eventually it's going to come crashing down. One night when the hatred feels like a spike being driven into my brain, I'm going to go off in search of a cure and not come back. The pain will be gone, but so will I. Katherine pulled the sheet back down. She stared blankly at the fine netting surrounding the bed. Is that really how I want it to end? Through the misty cocoon of cloth, she could see the shadows deepening. Almost immediately, Katherine felt the warmth leave the room. She shivered violently as goosebumps rose all over her flesh. Maybe I'll do it. I'll just never come back and everyone can think I fell off the mountain. I can do it. No one will really miss me. After all, who misses the trash? Decision nearly made, Katherine tugged the sheet over her shoulders. She snuggled further down into the anonymous bed, wishing she had another blanket. Thick lashes swept down to rest against pallid cheeks. They fluttered once before falling. Random musings filtered through Katherine's purposely-blank mind. Do wolves really mate for life or is that what they tell each bitch in heat they come across to get her to lift her tail? Katherine yawned widely. Her mind switched gears and she thought of how famished she usually was after waking. Oddly, visions of food didn't tempt her in the least bit. Losing my appetite along with my mind...what next? Katherine halfheartedly contemplated if she should get up and try to find a phone. After all, Patricia might be wondering why she didn't hear from her last night. Even though I'm thinking about falling off the mountain, I did say I was going to call. Knowing her, she's probably freaking out by now, thinking some sadistic head case got me. For all I know Patricia's right. Katherine clutched the blankets tighter. The idea of leaving the bed became irrationally repugnant. I'll call later, she decided, already forgetting Patricia and any thoughts of the outside world. As Katherine drifted into the inevitable blackness, she heard a door click. The shot of sound jarred her awake. Katherine's burnished gaze flew open with tense awareness. The distinct sounds of heavy footsteps echoed throughout the white room, brandishing their ominous mark upon her. Each deliberate step mirrored each natural pulse of her life's blood until the two became intertwined in a marriage between intimate strangers. Katherine curled slender fingers against tender palms. The haunting music kept her enraptured. Who is it? She lifted her head off the pillow and quickly pushed her body upright. Katherine ignored the sharp pains raking across her stiff muscles. She waited, every sense careening wildly in exquisite yet dreadful expectancy. I know this person. I know I do. The steps halted at the foot of the small bed. Could it be him? Katherine's treacherous heart began to race wildly, breaking faith alone without the accompaniment of a persuasive lead. After all these years, all this time, and everything that happened...could it really be him? The translucent curtains parted inch by meticulous inch. Katherine's lithe body tingled in pained awareness, experiencing a rush of dangerous fulfillment. It feels like him! Like Mikhail! Without even seeing him I can FEEL him! Several torturous seconds passed before the fragile netting finally revealed the tall, black-clad figure of a man. Seeing the striking face before her, Katherine's soul throbbed in suspended gratification. Her fingers twisted the thin sheet into a hopeless white tangle. Ensnared by a fathomless emerald gaze, Katherine felt hers darken dangerously. Her shuttered heart gave a cry of bittersweet recognition. "You!" A smile twisted the man's lips briefly before disappearing completely. "Hello, Katherine." The brightness of the room grew steadily until she was forced to squeeze her eyes shut. A brilliant explosion of light flashed behind her closed lids, leaving Katherine alone with the sound of his breathing.
Copyright 2009 Claudia D. Christian. All rights reserved. No part of this book shall be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without prior written permission from DelSin Publishing, LLC. DelSin Publishing, LLC and the author assume no liability assumed for damages resulting from the use of the information contained herein. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual or fictional events, locations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.